Colette Rector is a junior at Mizzou studying strategic communication and Spanish. She’s quite certainly one of the cleverest, if not the most clever, person I know. She hails from Homaha, Neb., and will happily tell you everything you need to know about it. She is currently one of my roommates. And as you’ll learn, I apparently need to lock up my food, and she absolute adores my daily briefings where I discuss in vivid detail, with in-depth analysis, all of my dreams from the previous night.
Without further ado:
Collette Collete Colette.
1. What was the last picture you took with your phone?
Me trying to be aesthetic, artsy and h!p.
2. Have you ever been pulled over by a cop?
One time before a high school jazz band rehearsal, I drove five minutes to purchase a giant frosted sugar cookie. On the way back, I “sped” in a school zone and they zapped me. I almost cried.
3. What’s your heritage?
Half Italian, half European mut.
4. What was the last lie you told?
I told myself I’d be productive today.
5. What’s the weirdest prank you’ve ever done?
Ninth grade Colette was a maniacal freak. I wrote fake love letters to one of my friends under the pseudonym Ann Onymous and sent them via email. Every letter was written in Curlz MT and I signed them “The Damsel.” Here’s a sample line:
“Your beautiful, angel-touched face floods my dreams at night and your radiant smile gives me a light no sun could ever produce.”
6. Describe the perfect pizza.
Thin crust. A dash of olive oil in lieu of sauce. Enough garlic to still be tasted after two teeth-brushing sessions. Approximately ⅓ an inch of mozzarella. Fresh mushrooms. Spices I can’t name but like. Baked in a brick oven by a dark-haired dreamboat and followed by a slice of cheesecake.
7. What was your first thought when you woke up this morning?
8. You discover that your wonderful one-year-old child is because of a mix up at the hospital and not yours. Would you want to exchange the child to correct the mistake?
To quote the ancient Chinese proverb, “you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.”
9. Would you be willing to lie to a court for a close friend if it meant saving your friend from going to prison for life?
Anyone who has ever played Poker or Avalon with me knows that I can only keep a straight face to an extent. Close friends be warned: if you willfully mutilate another human being, you’re on your own.
10. Would you be willing to eat a bowl of crickets for money?
This question is impossibly ambiguous. Would I climb into the sky for fame? Would I skinny dip in front of my elementary school principal for knowledge? Would I fall into the world of Calvin and Hobbes and remain a cartoon forever in exchange for true love? I don’t feel prepared to reasonably answer.
11. If you could have anyone locked in a room so you could torment them for a day, whom would you choose?
Dolores Umbridge, but I’m gonna need more than a day.
12. If you could be any age for a week, what age would you be?
Like, if I had the mental faculties that I have now? Definitely age negative one month.
13. What question do you hate being asked?
Do you want to hear about this dream I had last night? Yeah totally, spend ten minutes of my time explaining this “hilarious” journey through your subconscious that has no merit or broader impact on anything real ever.
14. If you could have only one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be?
A Chinese buffet that also has every other kind of food ever.
15. Have you ever eaten a crayon? What’s the strangest thing you’ve eaten?
I can’t recall eating a crayon, but when I was in second grade I licked battery acid off a battery. I could try and explain why that seemed like the logical thing to do, but you would still leave with more questions than answers.
16. Are you still learning who you are?
No, I can perfectly predict how I will respond to any and every life circumstance thrown at me and milk these responses to achieve maximum happiness levels.
17. What’re you afraid of?
Running out of groceries. Loneliness. People that look put together every single day. Living life more concerned with my reputation than my impact. Bad smells.
18.What’s the weirdest thing about you?
A lot of people over the years have told me that I’m weird. Not in a side-eye, judgmental way, but in a good way. I believe everyone is inherently strange and that strangeness manifests itself differently for each person and I think that the reason people think I’m weird is because I celebrate those quirky things rather than hide them under a mask of normalcy. That being said, I’ll say that the weirdest thing about me is that I don’t care if people think I’m weird.
19. What’s the most normal thing about you?
Sometimes I eat my roommates’ food.
20. What are your thoughts on honesty?
It’s really hard because we as members of the human race suck at life sometimes and we like to pretend that we don’t.
21. What do you want your tombstone to say?
“Go eat peanut butter because I can’t anymore.”
22. What feels like love to you?
Disbelief that I could be so lucky.
23. What’s a skill you’d like to learn and why?
I’d like to be a low key piano master.
24. How would your friends describe you?
“Bad at texting.”
“One time she offered a stranger at a movie theatre a dollar for a handful of popcorn.”
“Her name has one L.”
“Has strong opinions about lots of things, like how to eat a donut and cats.”
“Grocery shopping with her is more of an experience than an errand.”
“Geriatric as f*dge.”
If you enjoy talking about yourself or taking personality quizzes, contact me and you can participate in The Questions Project.