Connor Chapman was one of my first friends at Mizzou, at least to some degree. And he left after freshman year when he transferred to Emory University to major in English/creative writing and comparative literature. I suppose the cold of Chicago (where he’s from) and Missouri got to him, but needless to say, it left me heartbroken. He’s a charming individual with a lack of a filter which has led to some funny, albeit strange, moments.
He also used to work at Express, if that gives you any indication to his fashion sense.
1. What was the last picture you took with your phone?
A selfie with my friend Derelle at a party I wasn’t having fun at.
2. Have you ever been pulled over by a cop?
Twice, both times for going thirty miles over the speed limit. I got ticketed the first time, and let off the second because the cop noticed I was paralyzed with fear.
3. What’s your heritage?
German, mostly. Ashkenazi Jewish. I often apologize to my Russian friends’ parents about the war. I still feel kinda bad.
4. What was the last lie you told?
I don’t know, I lie a lot about petty things so I can avoid things I don’t feel like doing.
5. What’s the weirdest prank you’ve ever done?
Hahahaha. Oh, shit. This is a long one. I remember my sophomore year of high school, I decided I was lonely and wanted a girl to pursue. So, I thumbed through my yearbook, picked out all the pretty girls, and decided to weed them out via personality for a potential love interest. Weird, considering nowadays I fall in love with a new girl every five minutes. Anyway, I decided that I need to make this more objective, so I brought in three of my best friends: Andrew, Lewis, and Richie. We voted on the girls who were pretty, but then Andrew had a bright idea of posting it on Facebook. I told him absolutely not, but I folded and we made a fake Facebook account under a girl’s name, and posted the list after adding everyone in the grade, on said list or not. It blew up. Several hundred comments, and I noticed that the ones who commented on the whole situations absurdity or stupidity were the cool ones, and the ones who cared weren’t worth talking to. I remember lying through my teeth to a friend in chemistry class before the first pep rally of the season. “Crazy,” he said. “Do you know made the list?” I just said, “No, man! No idea!” Heh. We got to the pep rally later that day, and the gym was filled with people. Everyone was there, and I mean everyone. Every student from every grade, teachers, other faculty, parents, performers, janitorial staff, administrators, everyone. Of course, I was sitting near the floor on the bleachers, and I remember missing being in the very high obscured seats freshman year, when I felt protected from yet able to observe anything and everyone around me. During the comedy sketch, one of the actors said, “Hey, do you guys makes… the LIST?!” I turned around to look at my friends, who were sparsely spread out amongst the faceless bodies behind me, and we all looked like we were about to shit ourselves. I thought that was it. That was the end. Turns out everyone had a good laugh at the sketch, and no one ever found it out was us, until Andrew started openly taking credit for it, which is total bullshit because it was my idea in the first place. Most people I told weren’t too torn up about it. Was it misogynistic? Yeah, and I don’t feel good about that, but I’d like to think the nature of that degree of tomfoolery makes it a story worth sharing.
6. Do you trust anyone with your life?
My parents and brother. My close friends. Not my dog, though. She only cares about food.
7. Describe the perfect pizza.
Chicago deep dish, no additional ingredients. New York if I’m feeling drunk, rowdy, or like any asshole who visits art galleries for “fun.” Just not super thin crust. Can’t do that.
8. What was your first thought when you woke up this morning?
“Stop hitting on your friend’s girlfriend, you dunce.”
9. You discover that your wonderful one year old child is because of a mix up at the hospital and not yours. Would you want to exchange the child to correct the mistake?
Oh, babies are all the same until they start talking. I’d correct the mistake, and all would be right in the world.
10. Would you be willing to lie to a court for a close friend if it meant saving your friend from going to prison for life?
11. Would you be willing to eat a bowl of crickets for money?
How much money?
12. If you could have anyone locked in a room so you could torment them for a day, whom would you choose and how would you torment them?
Kim Jong-un, and deprive his fat ass of food and see how he likes it.
13. If you could be any age for a week, what age would you be?
I’d be eighteen again. The bridge from the end of senior to my freshman year in college. Even though I hated the school settings, I learned a lot, and with what I know now, I could get more out of it. Besides, I might have the chutzpah to talk to the pretty girls more than I did.
14. Who was the last person you sang to and what did you sing?
I sing all the time. Probably my roommate, casually. I think it was Psychocandy by The Jesus and Mary Chain.
15. What question do you hate being asked?
I’ll get back to you on that.
16. If you could have only one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Sushi. Sake nigiri.
17. How do you start a conversation?
“Hiya” usually works. Or jumping in on some observable commonality. You can thumb through my Tinder chat logs and go from there, if you like.
18. If you had a brainwashing machine who would you use it on?
The United States Congress.
19. Have you ever eaten a crayon? What’s the strangest thing you’ve eaten?
No crayons, but I have eaten silkworm. Tastes like weird refried beans.
20. Are you still learning who you are?
Aren’t we all?
21. What’re you afraid of?
Living in poverty. Ignorance. Reaching the end of my life and realizing that I didn’t fight for good.
22. Do you dance?
Fuck no. As a joke sometimes, maybe, but no.
23. What’s the weirdest thing about you?
The encyclopedia of my weirdness is still being edited, unfortunately.
24. What’s the most normal thing about you?
Sometimes I like what I hear on the radio. Sometimes.
25. What are your thoughts on honesty?
Be honest when you can, no one likes a fake. But it isn’t always the best policy for every situation.
26. What do you want your tombstone to say?
“I have nothing to say, and I am saying it, and that is poetry as I need it.” But don’t quote John Cage. That’d ruin the whole slate of marble.
27. What’s your biggest pet peeve?
Chew with your fucking mouth closed. God.
28. What feels like love to you?
Playing Alex or Just Like Honey after hearing either song for literally over a thousand times after some sort of gushing emotional development. Maybe I got broken up with, maybe kisses happened with the right person, maybe I achieved something difficult either academically or creative. Sometimes my fascination with fascist text messages between girls and friends and reading them when nice things are said to or about me makes my heart swelter beneath my breastplate for a thirst that can never be fully quenched.
29. What’s a skill you’d like to learn and why?
I wish I could play the guitar better than I do. And sing at the same time. It’s so difficult. I suck so bad at it.
30. How would your friends describe you?
I don’t know, ask them.
And because Connor lives in not-Missouri but still wanted to answer the video-side of the questions:
1. What is your favorite word?
2. What is your least favorite word?
Panties. Makes me cringe.
3. What turns you on?
Burgundy lipstain applied to the right pair, sharp tongues, fashion sense, and borderline alcoholism.
4. What turns you off?
Genericity. Being up in the clouds. Republicans. Maligned irony.
5. What sound do you love?
The rain. Air conditioners. The system sounds from Windows 98 and America Online.
6. What sound do you hate?
7. What is your favorite curse word?
Fuck. That’s an easy one.
8. What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?
The other side of it: being a professor. That might be fun.
9. What profession would you not like to do?
Manual labor. Or working as a funeral director.
10. If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?
“Children always fight, but you’re safe here.”
As always, check in next Saturday to see who will be featured next.